2017 recap

This year I’ve dealt with the hardest struggle of my life.  After having two completely healthy babies I never imagined I would struggle with pregnancy.  Even after an early miscarriage I just didn’t imagine it would be my challenge that I would have to go through.  After we lost our sweet little Eli at 30 weeks gestation I have had many heartbreaking moments.  When I had first gotten home from the hospital and had a quiet moment to myself I cried out loud like baby. It has gotten easier but whenever I see/hear the word twin or see little twin kids or babies I feel a slight sadness (or more if I let it).  Every now and then I think to myself I need to get baby out of the bassinet but Rhett is in the swing or likewise.  My heart yearns to tend to our little Eli.  I’ve shed tears many times at church during songs that have tugged on my heartstrings.

After bringing Rhett home from the NICU lack of sleep (waking to feed through the night), his health dependency on me (no longer the NICU nurses) since he had just bearly gotten over his apnea, I was fearful of losing another child), adjusting to three kids, and Ryan working long hours along with going to school wore on me.  I kept catching myself saying in my head,”I want to be normal”, “I don’t feel normal”.  I also felt like I had come acrose a lot of articles on postpartum depression.  I knew I didn’t have that.  But something similar.  I realized I was anxious to be alone, in case something were to happen.  Also he wasn’t a very strong eater. He would pause often to catch his energy (that’s why he had apnea spells).  I would get SO mad at the girls when the would talk at all near him, distracting him while he was eating.  I was SO nervous about his health.  Though my anxiety was starting to creep into other things too.  Not just his health. I knew I needed help.  After starting medication for postpartum anxiety I was able to switch the subject (thoughts that made me anxious) in my brain a lot easier again. Not back to normal but a lot better. My eyes have been opened SO much.  We never know what someone has been through in the span of their life, what struggles they deal with.  If someone may be doing something that might not normally be excepted it may be their way of dealing with a challenge in their life. We just never know.  Through these trials of mine from this past year I’ve come to realize that psychology is so complex as to why we do and feel the way we do.

I am very grateful for the gospel in knowing that I will see Eli again.  Also for many great family, friends, neighbors in helping us in so many ways to get through these last 7 months.