When Rhett was sleeping, I needed sleep. I would have to force myself to face the other way and get some sleep. He was an amazing sleeper at night. I honestly don't recall having to constantly giving him a binky to go back to sleep. He slept well. Babies just sometimes make little noises and I needed all the sleep I could get to keep my mind healthy. I just prayed that he would still be with us come morning time.
Big scare and His surgery - Apparently the way they informed me to mix his formula thicker to help him gain weight faster was an extra strain for his bowels. One morning I was very delirious/tired and didn't realize he was having a struggle to use the restroom. His stomach went hard and I knew something wasn't right but for the wrong reasons. I took him to the ER. They struggled to prick him to test his blood. I teased the NICU might can help mainly cause I know the ladies in the NICU. They transferred us to the Boise hospital since it had a children's hospital and could admit him there. NICU generally doesn't readmit babies. While there we realided that he really was very constipated. But the may have been what caused his inguinal hernia. Straining too much. One of the NICU nurses gave us a heads up to watch for it. She thought she may have seen signs of it. They were able to get him a surgery scheduled. I was staying the night to keep in the loop of how to help him. Though it became too much for me. One night the nurses took him out in the hall because I had a struggle getting some sleep with all the alarms accidentally binging and nurse checks. I was very irritable and didn't have the patience to calm him. The amazing Dr. at the end for our check out was awesome. He took Rhett off the monitors just to give me peace of mind that he didn't fear Rhett's apnea spells any longer.
All the nurses that took care of us were SO incredibly amazing to us during those first few months.
Baby A, Baby B - In the NICU there was a set of twins. The day they were checking them out I could hear their conversation. I was trying hard to tune it out. The HARDEST part was they were not calling the babies by their names. When they were describling that they needed to keep their own cars seat and not swap they were calling them by baby A and baby B. 😭 What they call the babies all while in your prenatal appointments. I wanted to close the door, go out there and say something, walk out of the NICU crying. I think I may have just opened the battery flaps on my hearing aids and tried to tune it out.
Enjoy the others - I had a dream or something that caused me to think that I wasn't spending enough time with my girls. I was thinking of Aubree. I woke and got down on the ground in our room to cuddle her for a bit before she needed to head off to school. Later that day i was putting clothes away in the drawers. I staggered them like steps so that I could put items in multiple drawers. I walked to Rhett's room to put some items in his room. I heard a loud boom in the girls room. I rushed back and seen that the dresser fell over. Kendra tried to climb it. The humidifier also spilled. I quickly cleaned it up. I don't believe she got pinched at all. Probably angels watching out for her. Knowing I couldn't handle more at the moment. Rhett's at home nurse that came for weight checks came later that day and gave me comfort that she is likely just fine because she had just as much energy as ever and not throwing up.
Physical Therapy- For a bit we had physical therapy visiting our home. when they initially came it was so mice to hear the lady say he has no monitors, cords or tubes? My little miracle for me, after what I had been through. They would encourage me to have him do tummy time. and I just didn't have it in me. He did like tummy time and Kendra was a bit mischief. I kept his bassinet up on the counter to keep him away from Kendra. despite my efforts she one time gagged him by putting her fingers deep into his mouth. He threw everything up. I told physical therapy I didn't want to continue visits. He would learn these things in his own time.
Counting kids - On occasion I looked around the room to make sure all the kids wear near. Sometime I would feel Eli presence near. My momma heart wanted to tend to him. grab him out of the bassinet, rest the baby swing for him. There is one particular time I felt it a bit stronger. We caught covid at the very beginning when it hit the valley. Aubree had a very high fever 104.9. I was nervous of her having a seizure or brain damage. She was very smart and my big helper. I was so nervous for her. I packed ice packs around her head. I felt like Eli was near looking out for us.
Lunches at the Hospital- The reserved empty rooms for us NICU moms since they didn't have a waiting room at this NICU. I didn't want to leave any personal belongings in the room for fear of it being misplaced. Well occasionally they would give my room to another mother because nothing was left in there. So sometimes they delivered it already to another mom. And I could not longer eat it. Once it got delivered and the mom wasn't in there. I quickly grabbed my tray and walked out. Any time my tray was not in my room I often shed tears. I was an emotional wreck because of everything I have been going through. It was a tremendous blessing to have lunches provided. I would go feed Rhett once, eat lunch, and then feed him again. Then I would go home and take a nap with my girls. Or have quiet time. They would watch TV while I took a break. I am pretty positive that because my hearing aides didn't connect well with my phone I would take them out if i was talking to anyone or my mom on the phone. I believe I accidentally left them on the tray and since they were in an altoid mint box, thrown out like trash.
Huge blessings - Rhett low birth weight qualified him for medicaid. We didn't need to also worry about his NICU bill, Surgery Stay, or his cost of expensive preemie formula. HUGE blessings.
NG tube pulled too early- while he was in the NICU one dr decided to pull his NG tube becasue they felt he was doing well. Looking back I REALLY wish that he hadn't. He got a new Dr every week. the dr's rotate where they are at. this dr gave me too much false hope which turned into a nightmare. because he didn't have his NG tube we felt pressured to make him orally eat the whole bottle. Instead of finishing it off in the NG pump if he ran out of energy. Because of this he had an apnea spell that I was not able to wake him from. The nurse took him from me stimulated his back and started reading the oxygen. I believe she mostly held it near his face not mask on face. The next day when I went to go give him back his bottle after burping him and I just couldn't bring myself to it. That's usually when his arm would start to go limp and when he really went grey and limp the day before. I went to get the nurse and he finished the bottle fine for her. Maybe putting him down for a moment help give him a tinge of a break he needed. I broke down in tears in front of the nurse. The next day or so I didn't quite hear what the nurse said but I believe there was one time they did have to intervene while I was gone. I kind of actually didn't want to know too much. So didn't really ask much questions. It's kind of a nice idea to have someone that is not directly related to help assist you when your not really all there and trying to protect your tender heart. If I could take it back I would have told them, no, I want the NG tube placed back in.
Giving up pumping - I had hoped to eventually nurse Rhett but as time pressed on it slowly became a reality that it wasn't feasible. At list he was too little and weak. Then as time passed it was a lot of work to continue with pumping and cleaning all the parts while taking care of two girls at home and going to the NICU. On top of all my other emotions I was dealing with. Lack of sleep to pump at night was the first to go. I needed more sleep. While Rhett was in the Children's hospital I made the final decision to give it up. I really didn't was to cause an apnea spell just because of my wish to eventually nurse. For quite some time after, or maybe even all of his time on a bottle he would suck five times and then breathe five times. He struggled with the rhythm of suck breathing thing. It wasn't worth it.
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